If you've missed live performances as much as I have, you may be happy to know that I will be live streaming onto joedevita.com every Thursday and Saturday at 4 pm CST. If you want to check out the live stream all you have to do is scroll down a smidge and you should hear and see me.
I look forward to playing for you!
The Twelfth Hour
Drugs, Bowel Movements, Family, and Conspiracy Theories
"Fuck me! It's been an age since I've had a good shit", he says as the family car makes it's slow crawl to the traffic light. "I mean, when I was your age (he points at me, the motherfucker points at me) it was like clockwork. Six forty-five, right after dinner and right before Jeopardy. Clears your head you know. I used to be able to answer all those damn questions. Now I'm locked up like a proper nun's legs. I don't even open up on Friday. That's earthly punishment I tell ya. I mean, how does a man in the world get on if he can't find religion on the can?"
"It's the government, I know it", he slams his fist on the wheel, accidentally honking the horn. "Fuck! Is this what I've become?! Some shitless dupe because the government doesn't like my views? This is America, you hear me? A M E R I C A! I can think what I want and say what I want. It's in The Constitution! It's my sovereign right! They follow me on Facebook you know." Who? I say. "Who the hell do you think?! The government! All of them. The FBI ,The CIA, MI6, KGB. They don't like me so they spy on me and manipulate my posts so I don't get any likes. That guy is in on it too, Zuckerfuck. He's a god-damned terrorist, I know it! He speaks Chinese! Who in the fuck speaks Chinese?! Commies!
"Your mother, she is one of them too. She'll never admit it, the whore. Just look at the guy she's with now!" He ejaculates. Steve? Steve works in the deli department at Safeway. "Why is that guy so good with meat? Because that is what they make Special Operatives do as a cover. They have to slice a whole pound of roast beef in under sixty seconds. Every slice has to be perfect for a sandwich and if you fuck up once they cut your balls off, feed them to German shepherds, and shoot you in the kneecaps. Hitler put that secret law in his will and do you know who runs every government institution throughout the world?! The Gestapo! Everyone who works at a deli is a fucking spy! That is why I had you landscape for your first job. That is the last job for honest Americans. "
I love him. He is crazy but I love him. When he caught mom cheating on him, he had a complete meltdown . He isn't lying when he says he can't take a shit. But, you and I know it isn't the government fucking with his bowel movements. He's alone. I'm all he has now and it seems like I'm the only one that can put a smile on his face. Sometimes I hate him because of how much he needs me but I figure I'm repaying him for raising me. Despite my family life being in tatters, I'm actually pretty content. I've got a steady job I like. I've got a girlfriend who is a joy to be around and to top it off, my bowels are working full steam. Oh shit, I almost forgot! It's nine o'clock, he's gotta take his Prozac.