This is a fictitious transcript of a fictitious interview with Akron Ohio native, Delmer Swindle. In this interview Delmer recounts his sighting of an unidentified flying object while "stargazing" with his then girlfriend, Julie Spatt. Delmer also relates being abducted by alien lifeforms and receiving strict directives as to how he should conduct himself while he exists on what he calls "The Earth Plane."
Joe: Hi Delmer! How are you?
Joe: Delmer? Can you hear me?
Delmer: Shit man. I'm on the lake. Let me cut this motor off. Hello?
Delmer: Yep, that's me. I can hear you now.
Joe: Oh, I'm glad. I was about to call you back.
Delmer: No, you're fine.
Joe: O.K. Delmer, you seem busy but I wanted you to recount the story of your abduction if that's alright with you.
Delmer: They're real man.
Delmer: The Space Folk.
Joe: Oh, you mean aliens?
Delmer: No, I mean Space Folk. They dont like the name aliens. We the aliens.
Joe: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you tell me about the Space Folk please?
Delmer: Sure can.
Joe: Great, why dont you go ahead.
Delmer: You ever seen My Little Pony?
Joe: Ummm. I'm familiar but I've never watched an episode.
Joe: Delmer, you did want to talk about your abduction right? And tell about the Space Folk?
Delmer: Oh, yeah. That's right.
Joe: O.K., go ahead.
Delmer: Do what now?
Joe: Go ahead and tell me your story.
Joe: Whenever you're ready.
Delmer: O.K. (deep breath) I cant believe you never watched no My Little Pony. You know people like that right? I'm a Brony myself.
Joe: That's great Delmer but I didn't call to chat about My Little Pony or Brony culture. Now if you'd please, tell me about your alien, sorry, Space Folk experience I'd be so grateful.
Joe: Great, now if you'll proceed.
Delmer: Mmm k.
Joe: Delmer, for fucks sake!
Delmer: You on drugs or somethin?
Delmer: You sound like you on drugs.
Joe: I'm not.
Delmer: You sure?
Joe: Tell the story. Tell the story. For the love of all that is holy tell the motherfucking story!
Joe: Bye Delmar. (Click)
Now, I'm sure you the reader and companion on this journey are as frustrated as I was during my attempt to converse with someone who was either playing games, has some type of mental impediment, or is simply a complete idiot. I wish this was the closing sentence of my account but it isn't. By God, it isn't.
I woke with a smile. The sunlight casts tiny replicas of Andy Warhol wigs onto my bedroom wall. You know that bubbly feeling? Like everything is perfect? I felt that. Even my buddy Mr. Downstairs was awake and at full attention. I salute you Mr. Downstairs.
I roll from my bed and scream my warrior scream into the morning. "FUCK!" I yawn. I smile again. I shuffle to the kitchen like a cartoon character, stare at the zentangle like print of an owl perched happily on a leafy branch. I put the kettle on. I stare at the owl again and think of N-. "She thinks I'm mad or some creep" I say to the owl. My printed friend neither confirms or denys my sentiment but I suspect it does not disagree. The things we do for love.
I burp. The kettle screams bloody murder. Ah! I jump to the stove and turn off the burner like I'm trying to dodge a lunging snake. I open my cabinet and am awed by the selection of teas therein. I suspect I might be a hipster. "How tight are my jeans anyway? Have I become part of the problem?"
The phone rings.
?: Hey, how you doin?
Joe: Good? I think? Who is this?
?: This is Darrell.
Joe: And who are you looking for Darrell?
Darrell: Joe Velveeta.
Joe: Do you mean DeVita?
Darrell: Yeah? Yeah, that's right.
Joe: O.K., what can I do for you?
Darrell: Well I think just wanted to call cuz my brother he talked to you and he didnt really get to tell you his story you know cuz he was on the lake and he was drinkin you know and when he drinks he ain't very social you know but he told me you hung up on him and he felt awful bad you know and was hoping he'd get another chance to tell his story ya know what I'm sayin?
Darrell: I know it seems awful odd for some random person to call you and plea on another's behalf but you know he's real down right now and I think giving him a second chance to tell his story would give him a real boost ya know what I'm sayin?
Joe: Oh, I see. I didn't know Delmer had a brother. I'm sorry to hear he's in the dumps right now.
Darrell: He ain't my brother bit yeah he ain't all that happy about things and he was hoping that he'd make alot of money from tellin you his story so he could build a house made out of solid gold you know the boy can weld I mean the boy can weld you know what I'm sayin?
Joe: I'm sorry Darrell but Im confused. Did you not just say Delmer was your brother?
Darrell: Oh yeah he's my brother but he ain't my brother you know I mean he's no kin of mine but we known each other so long we may as well be you know we been friends ever since the cradle I mean before we could talk as a matter of fact I clearly remember talking to him telepathically before we could speak proper you know we had the same nurse and Delmer use to say to me "Damn, she's fine. Look at those knockers!" Man I would laugh like crazy you know that boy Delmer is crazy but you know the boy can weld I mean the boy can weld you know what I'm sayin?